i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
