I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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