I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
When did we convert life to cartoon?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
