I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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