Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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