We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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