got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
