I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
