will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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