Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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