Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
