i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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