is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
