Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
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