America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
