My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
