Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
