I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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