cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
