Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
