So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
