i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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