remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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