Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Randomize
