Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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