were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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