just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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