HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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