guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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