Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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