Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He? As in you personified your dick?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
