I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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