shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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