after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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