He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
