And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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