that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
