remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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