Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I fill condoms, not promises.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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