I am spending my child support on dildos
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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