I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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