billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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