What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
