As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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