i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
