my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
