I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
