Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
