2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
