As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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