what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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