the day after is always just damage control
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
