Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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