When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize